I’ve been having some doubts about my beliefs.
I’ll start off be saying I think it is okay to have some doubts. When I spoke to my mothers, Sophie and Cassie, about having doubts they just said, “Finally, you are human after all!”
It is fair to say that since I became a Satanist around the age of 14, I never doubted it at all, until now. The strange thing is that now I’m on the verge of my twenties I’m probably leading the most in your face, authentic, Satanic lifestyle you could imagine… And I’m enjoying every moment of it… So why do the doubts come now?
So I’m going to write some of my doubts down here. It’s my own therapy. A chance to see what these questions look like when they are put down in writing. If other people find my thoughts helpful or entertaining that’s great, but I’m really writing this post for me.
I am still torn between the theistic and atheistic versions of Satanism. Most of the people I associate with are atheists of one sort or another and I have always leaned heavily in that direction. Atheistic Satanism has always made more sense to me scientifically and philosophically. I would say it is at the core of what I believe and how I live. But I have been exposed to the theistic side of Satanism as well and I have felt the presence of “something” which I find empowering and kind of addictive. I’ve taken part in rituals dedicated to the person of Satan and I have felt that release something “primal” in me; it seeps into my mind, body and soul in a way that the pure logic of atheistic Satanism doesn’t. It is new and challenging and probably leads me to discover darker aspects of myself and I wonder is that good, is it bad or are those questions even relevant?
Maybe we have to fully engage with Satan and the darker sides of of ourselves before we can really grow? Or can you take the same journey without any reference to Satan?
Okay, I accept that a lot of people don’t feel compelled to take this sort of spiritual journey, or any form of spiritual journey at all, but I do… It’s part of me.
My girlfriend, fuck-buddy and kinky conspirator, Louise, has a very similar lifestyle to me. She thinks it’s cool that I’m a Satanist but she isn’t remotely interested in becoming one herself. Perhaps that is the core of my doubts. The fact that I’m a Satanist and she isn’t, is one of the very few differences between us. Apart from our kinky tastes and hedonistic pastimes, we also have similar political and social concerns and similar dreams and ambitions for our own lives; so what difference does my being a Satanist make??!
She is what she is, without any particular spiritual beliefs. (She has her own beliefs but nothing that can be labelled or categorised in any way). Yet I don’t think I really would be the person I am if I had not been a Satanist. So is Satanism just a crutch? Does it just show a weakness in me?
I’m pretty sure a lot of people still think I’m only a Satanist because my mother and her partner are. I suppose the only truth in that is that I was a bit more exposed to what Satanism is than most other teenagers are. It made me curious and I wanted to find out more. I lapped it up. I loved it. It made total sense to me. I do think it gave me a confidence I wouldn’t have had otherwise. I was a shy, rather nerdy girl and really quite late in blossoming into a woman. But when I did become a Satanist, I don’t think it’s much of an exaggeration to say I grew up almost ten years in ten months. There was almost no relation between between 14 year old Léonie and 16 year old Léonie. And now, on the verge of 20, I know I have experienced a lot more things than some people much older than me. I understand that not everyone will think that is good, but I do… Yes that very much feeds into my Satanic belief that we are meant to grow up and take responsibility for our lives and that innocence and ignorance are no substitute for experience and knowledge.
But how did Louise get to that stage without Satanism or any other religion? Is there something wrong with me that I need Satan or any other form of religion just to be me?
Self empowerment is at the heart and core of Satanism, but are you really self empowered if you are depending on Satanism or Satan himself? And if you can be equally self empowered without any named religion or philosophy then what is the point of Satanism? Why not just be an atheist or a humanist?
So these are some of the questions in my mind. And yet, I like being a Satanist. There are things beyond what I have said here… Satanism is more strongly rebellious to convention than atheism alone. It is about challenging norms and conventional wisdom, it is about breaking taboos… And there is the tantric side of the Left Hand Path, which was passed down to me by Cassie, which is about being true to yourself and in a way uncorrupted even when in the middle of corruption. And there is the figure of Satan himself, whether you see him as real or symbolic, and the feeling that you can learn something important by seeing the truths behind the slanders of his enemies. What are they (the mainstream religions and authorities) afraid of? What is it that a lot of people are missing but which I can see?
There are a lot of questions here and not many answers yet. I have doubts about Satanism. I have doubts about its validity. I have doubts about the way Satanism itself should go… how it should develop… what it’s point and purpose should be..?
I have doubts about my own future in Satanism.
That was actually a hard sentence to write.
Well, I don’t know the answers. I have always thought agnosticism was honest. I don’t know. I don’t rule anything out.
Being a Satanist is a strangely precious thing to me in ways that are difficult to explain. So these doubts are making me uncomfortable.
Perhaps it is just part of the path. I’ve had things pretty easy so far, maybe these doubts are a good thing. (I can imagine Sophie and Cassie nodding knowingly at this point).
I just want to be a happy-go-lucky, naughty Satanic lady. That’s not wrong is it? 😉